Everyone has sex and everyone does it differently. I like to believe that somewhere out there is a perfect sex-mate for each of us to share the most intimate part of our lives with. I personally think that there is no such thing as bad sex. I think it’s more of a miss-matched partner’s circumstance.
If your partner isn’t right for you then sex will simply fall into oblivion and both playmates will just be full out cranky people who will know at everyone else’s sanity and drive even the happy sexer’s crazy. Maybe this is why so many relationships fail. You might find a great day to day partner but sexually it’s just blah. Or on the other hand you might find the most excellent sex partner and the rest just doesn’t float your boat. Should we hold out for the one that will satisfy both our day to day relationship needs and our sexual needs? Because let’s face it, who wants to spend their lives having unsatisfactory sex.
Unless you are stupid enough to use or say any of the following below, your chances at good sex are pretty damn good. These following DONTS of sex apply to both men and women. Some are more specifically mentioned for precise genders but in general they apply to both sexes. If you’ve been wondering why you’ve been having ordinary sex lately then ask yourself this… “Have I really been having bad sex or am I just an ass?”
- DO NOT CALL OUT ANOTHER WOMANS (MANS) NAME
Need I explain? Even if you are the best he/she has ever had, if you call out another man’s/woman’s name don’t expect he/she will calmly let it go. He/she might start calling you names but they probably aren’t the kind of names that you’d want to be called. Getting called a dickhead or ass face is kind of a mood killer don’t you think?
- 2- DO NOT CALL OUT YOUR EX’S NAME
An ex is an ex and that’s why we call them like that. If you have unresolved sexual issues with your ex, you need to face them first before facing another pussy or dick, whichever the case. Genital parts do not like to be compared and they get really nasty about it too. Do not use any of the ex derivatives. Do not mention in any way shape or form the ex. Things like “What’s wrong? My ex used to love it when I did that” or “ My ex used to do something like that but it was much better” or even worse “My ex-girlfriend had a banging body” You better get the hell out of there and fast.
- DO NOT FART
Why you say? For you gentlemen, you do enough of that on the sofa, at work, outside, in the bathroom, in the kitchen at dinner, so put it away for the time of your performance. Plus you never know when it will be a stinker. Nothing turns off a woman more than a stinky man. Well maybe and ugly stinky man, but I don’t know you.
- DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE
Believe it or not it does happen. It’s happened to me. How insulting. Unless your vibration is on and you stick it down my pants, please refrain from answering the phone. Unless you are the president of the United States I think it can wait a few minutes right? Are you that important that when your phone rings its life or death situation? I think not. Keep banging and forget the phone.
- DO NOT TRY EXPERT POSITIONS WHEN YOU ARE NOT
I would rather not have to explain how you sprained your dick to the doctor.
- DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE GAY
Accepting a gay friend is easy; accepting that the person fucking you doesn’t even want to be fucking you is a whole other ball game.
- DO NOT GO FOR A SURPRISE ANAL
Why not you say? Because anal needs prep, you can’t just dive in there and give it all you got and expect a trophy. You might be getting one but I’m willing to bet it will be hitting you upside the head.
- DO NOT LEAVE YOUR SOCKS ON
It’s simply not sexy. I don’t care if your feet get cold; when you’re doing the naughty socks must come off. And if you’re banging someone and your feet are still cold then you’re not doing it right. When I do it, I sweat and I’m hot and I wouldn’t mind someone throwing me a full shovel of snow in the face so something has got to be wrong with you if you keep your ugly socks on.
- DO NOT TELL HER YOU FUCKED HER SISTER
Do not break the sisterly bond. Stay away from phrases like “Wow, your almost as good as your sister” or “Your sister is way prettier than you naked and I thought it would run in the family” Way too much drama involved and so not worth it unless both sisters want to do the naughty with you at the same time, if so then you are one lucky bastard.
- DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE LEAVING HER
That’s just an inappropriate thing to do while banging her. Don’t wait till after either. Unless your into getting beaten the shit out of yourself. Just make sure she doesn’t have a bigger older brother.
DO NOT CALL OUT ANY ONE OF THESE PHRASES – EVER
This is a collection of phrases NOT to use before during or after sex. As a matter of fact, do not use them ever. If you do, you have been warned and you are responsible of your own stupidity.
TO A GIRL: “I’m going to name this nipple Barbara” “You may need to do some work on your thighs” “You’re the first biological woman I’ve had sex with in a long time” “I didn’t think you’d be so heavy”
TO A GUY: “You know, they say size doesn’t matter, it’s the motion of the ocean…well, it seems the waves are at an all-time low” “Is it in? Oh…really?” “I lied, I’m not on birth control” “Wow, I haven’t sucked anything this small in ages.” “I can barely feel that”
TO ANYONE: “I have to stop, I need a toilet” “Did you shower today” “I saw this in a porno once and have always wanted to do it” “I’m sorry, I don’t always cry like this” “I want to lick your arm pit” “Maybe I should have told you this earlier but…” “Uh Oh” “Ok, just stop I can do it better myself” “Sorry what’s your name again?” “Well, I’m done. You can do the rest yourself can’t you?” “Trust me; I’ve done this hundreds of times” “Could you please move your head? I can’t see the TV” “So, can I go now?” “There are just so many things I’ve seen done in porno and you don’t even come close to doing half of that stuff.” “You woke me up for that?” “Do you accept Visa?” “Boy, everybody looks funny naked” “Smile, you’re on candid camera” “Damn it, forgot the autofocus” “NO really, I do this part a whole lot better on my own.” “Can I orgasm if you haven’t?” “On second thought, let’s turn off the lights” “I wish we had the playboy channel” “This would be a lot more fun with a few more people” “ I thought sex with you would be so much better”
Next time you have sex, keep in mind these 10 (way too common) sex mistakes and ask yourself what can you do to make this banging session better and not be the loser he or she will be talking about with friends the next day. You do not want to be that person who makes the sex experience awful and unforgettable in the wrong way. You want people to talk about sex with you for years to come and in a good way, not in an “Omg he or she did this or said that and it just went downhill from there” way. You want your exploits to be carried on to the next generations as a sex god / goddess not as the sex loser you have been until now.